Here goes nothing...

**Disclaimer: this post deals with my battle with infertility. If you don't care keep reading, now would be the time to venture to another site :) It's also a pretty long post, sorry! **

This post has been a struggle to write. I've actually had it sitting in my "draft" box for weeks. It's really the reason I set up this blog. I wanted to share my struggle with infertility mostly because of the fact that reading other blogs about this issue have helped me feel not so alone so I thought that maybe sharing my story might help someone else, or at least let me get my story out there to help others know they aren't the only one dealing with it. It seems like infertility is such a taboo topic to talk about. I dont know if it's because it's such a personal topic that people think they should just keep it to themselves or people are afraid of what others will think. Anyway, here is my story!

About a year after Thad and I got married, we started thinking about starting a family. At first we had the "if it happens, it happens" attitude, but after a few months and nothing happened I started to get a little more frustrated. I did a lot of research online and educated myself very well on how everything works as far a conceiving, but still the months went by and nothing happened. There were months where my mind would have me "feeling all the pregnancy symptoms" and I would get my hopes up, but still nothing ever happened.

I had a very hard time being supportive of those around me who became pregnant. I wanted so much for that to be me. A lot of people complained about different pregnancy symptoms they were having. What I wouldn't give to be experiencing those myself! People also tried to give me advice, but the advice was from people who didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. They would say I was doing something wrong, or that I was just stressing over it too much. The worst thing I kept hearing though was " I know how you feel"... Excuse me? You got pregnant without even trying so how could you possibly know how I feel? It really was the hardest thing for me to hear at that time and it was very hard for me to come out of that stage! Luckily it did get easier.

After about a year I started thinking about going to a fertility specialist to see what help I could find, but I was terrified of what it would involve, so I avoided going. I just tried to not focus on it anymore and have the attitude I had at first of if it happens, it happens since you hear of people all the time stressing about it but once they stop worrying, they get pregnant. I guess I hoped this is what would happen with me as well.

In the meantime Thad and I were able to buy a house so that took my mind off of everything for a good year or so. Then I got an advertisment in the mail for a new doctor that was opening up a practice. It said she specialized in infertility, so I decided it was a sign that I should call and make an appointment with them. It took about a month to get in so it was a month full of stress and worry about my appointment. I was seriously terrified of going to the doctor, especially a doctor of this type. I kept reading about what the procedures are for this initial visit so I could feel more educated on what to ask, but it really stressed me out!

When I finally got there for my appointment, I had my initial physical doing all the yearly tests and then the doctor and I started talking about the different options I had. She made me feel so at ease about everything and I no longer felt scared. She had struggled for years with infertility herself, so she understood what I was going through and knew personally about all the tests and procedures and what to expect with each one of them.

She initially ordered a whole blood work up to test my different hormones. She said if there is a hormone that is either too high or too low it can prevent you from getting pregnant, so sometimes it's as easy as taking a supplement. I was really hoping that was all I would need to have! After having 8 (yes I said 8!) vials of blood drawn from my arm, I was sent on my way and they would call me in a few days when they got my results back. In the meantime, Thad was tested as well (all normal) and I was told to set up an appointment with the radiology department at the hospital for an HSG, which is basically where they inject dye into your fallopian tubes and ovaries and xray you to see if there are any blockages. Im not going to lie, this procedure did not feel good! It was very painful! Luckily Thad was there to hold my hand for this one!

When the doctor called back with my lab results (completely normal) and had gotten the xrays back from my HSG, she had me come back in for a follow up. She started me on Clomid, which is usually the first step in trying to get me to ovulate normally. I was started on 50mg for the first month and then I was supposed to have my blood drawn on day 21 of my cycle to check my progesterone levels, which help tell if I would've ovulated or not. I was at a 0.2 for that month (they like it to be at least over 10 to say that you probably ovulated). I was so disappointed! I had heard of so many people being on it for 1 month and that's all it takes to jump start everthing. The doctor decided to keep me on the 50mg for 1 more month to see if my body would respond any better after having been on it for 1 cycle. It was the same result. Nothing happened so she increased it to 100mg the next month. My progesterone levels went up from 0.2 to a 0.3... hardly an increase! Again, I was so upset! The next month, I took 150mg, which it the highest dosage they will perscribe because the Clomid can actually work as birth control if there is too much in your system. I went in for my 21 day progesterone again and this time was just expecting for my levels to have stayed the same. I was wrong! When the doctor called and told me my level was a 13.1, I almost started to cry. Basically they think this was the first month in my whole life that I actually ovulated. I was so excited that I immediately sent a text to Thad. Then it was just a waiting game to see if I had actually gotten pregnant. Sadly, nothing that month. But since the 150mg had worked, I did another month of it. The doctor said I should use at home ovulation kits instead of getting my blood drawn as she felt confident that the 150mg was what I needed. I did the tests, but by the 21st day I never saw a spike in my levels so I called my doctor and she had me go in to get my blood drawn again just to know for sure. When those results came back, I was at a 0.2 level again.

At that point I was ready to give up! I had been so hopeful and let myself get my hopes up. The doctor wanted to have me schedule an appointment to meet again to discuss the next step since the Clomid did not seem to be working. Unfortunately since it was around Thanksgiving and Christmas, the office hours were limited and my doctor was taking some vacation time so there wasn't an open time until January. I was very frustrated that I had to wait until January to go in just to talk to her to see what the next step was. Couldnt she just perscribe something and have me take it? In the meantime, I decided to call the Reproductive Care Center in Salt Lake to see if they had any appointments where I could come in and talk to a doctor. They were able to get me in the very next morning.

I was referred to them by a coworker of mine who was going through the same thing and she had told me such great things about her doctor so I was excited to see what he had to say. At my appointment we went over all of my history and the lab results that I had and he felt confident in giving me a diagnosis with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). He explained what it was and I had pretty much every symptom. He said in some women, losing just 5-10 pounds could help with this and he gave me a book called the fertility diet to help me out. I read the whole thing in 2 days and was so determined to lose some weight. Its pretty ironic that one of the things with PCOS is difficulty losing weight. It didn't help that it was a week before Thanksgiving and then Christmas was right around the corner. I decided that I would just try to cut down on what I ate, and after Christmas was over I would really start a diet. It was so nice to be able to spend the holidays with my family and not have to worry about taking any pills or keeping track of my cycle. I was so at peace with where I was at and was so glad to be away from everything for a while.

When January came around, I started a diet and had my follow up appointment with my regular doctor. At my doctors appointment she gave me Metformin to start taking and said the next month it would be used in connection with the Clomid. As far as my diet went. I did really well with not eating near as much, I was exercising more and stopped drinking soda. I didn't really see any weight loss at all. I was so discouraged with it. I know that I need to lose some weight but with the PCOS, its VERY hard to lose any. It was at that time, after having been so happy in November and December with not worrying about anything, I decided to stop all the treatments for a while and just relax.

That's still where I am at in the process. The year of taking medications and monitoring my cycles, having my blood drawn every month took a toll on my physically and emotionally. Being upset month after month just didn't seem worth it to me anymore. It has been so nice to not worry about anything for the past few months, yet as of right now I don't have any desire to go back and start treatments. The next treatments are going to be a lot more expensive and more painful (physically and emotionally) so I have been content with where I am.

I just have to say I am so thankful for the people in my life who have been so supportive with everything! My husband has been amazing and wants everything to be up to me. No pressure to do anything or not do anything but is still supportive in whatever I decide.

I will try to keep this updated when I decide to further my treatments, but for now I am so glad this post is finally out there!